FROM PHALLIC-SHAPED FRUIT TO NECROPHILIA: DON’T YOU JUST LOVE FATWAS?
Off with her head!
One of my favorite parts of the end of a year and the beginning of a new one is the endless list of “lists” that abounds: “bests,” worsts,” “sexiest,” “most influential” and of course, “dead.” Particularly satisfying in 2011 was GQ’s 25 Least Influential People Alive, which included His Most Awesomest Self, Barack Hussein Obama.
My favorite list of 2011 – by far – is Al Arabiya’s weirdest fatwas of 2011. Fatwas first burst into Western consciousness in 1989 when Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini issued his little gem calling on “all good Muslims” to kill author Salman Rushdie and his publishers over Rushdie’s book, The Satanic Verses. As crazy as it sounded at the time, the loony ayatollah’s edict doesn’t hold a candle to the hysterical fatwas of 2011:
Hold the phallic-shaped fruits and vegetables! An Islamist cleric in Europe issued a fatwa prohibiting women from eating phallic-shaped fruits and vegetables: cucumbers, bananas, carrots and the like. According to the obviously sexually-perverted mullah, (Is this redundant?), touching or consuming “the devil’s produce” – my words, not his – are bound to turn Muslim women on – and cause them to engage in sinful sexual fantasies. Who could blame them after being kept under those constraining burkas 24×7?
Perhaps some enterpreneurial Muslim will come out with a line of sliced veggies – Lorena Bobbit style – which will in turn receive special dispensation from the moronic mullah.
Necrophelia? No problem! The head of the “Moroccan Association for Jurisprudence Research” issued a fatwa allowing Muslim men to have sex with their just-deceased wives. The pretext of the ruling? Nothing in Islam prohibits sex with corpses. Why does this not surprise me? Although, as previously pointed out, with the plethora of sexual restraints placed on Muslim women, how would their hubbies know the difference?
Watch those Christian snacks! In Somalia, the al-Shabaab al-Mujahedin Movement issued a fatwa during the holy month of Ramadan prohibiting the consumption of sambousak, a triangular pastry stuffed with meat, cheese or vegetables. According to the nutjob movement, the popular snack is a symbol of the Christian Trinity and is therefore not to be consumed by Muslims. I wonder if the sale of Hot Pockets has since taken off in Somalia?
It’s okay to eat jinn, though! Egyptian cleric Mohamed al-Zoghbi issued a bizarre fatwa proclaiming that eating the meat of the “jinn” is permissable in Islam – leaving everyone wondering where to procure jinn in the first place, let alone eat their meat. You see, jinn (genies) are supernatural creatures in Arab folklore and Islamic teachings that occupy a parallel world to that of mankind.
Apparently, a past fatwa must have made it permissable to smoke mushrooms and drop LSD. Party down, Islam!
Hey, this might work with Democrats! Also in Egypt, Sheikh Amr Sotouhi, head of the Islamic Preaching Committee at al-Azhar, issued a fatwa prohibiting fathers from marrying their daughters to members of the formerly ruling National Democratic Party owing to their “corruption.”
This actually sounds like a great idea; if we prohibited Democrats from breeding, would they eventually die out?
While we’re at it, let’s just make it illegal to vote for them! A related fatwa was issued by the late Sheikh Emad Effat – shot this month during recent clashes between Egyptian protestors and the army. Effat’s fatwa prohibited Muslims from voting for members of the same disgraced party – again citing “corruption” as the reason. One can only dream, my fellow-conservatives.
So there you have it folks; what the “peaceful religion” can’t accomplish through beheadings and suicide bombings, it relies on the trusty fatwa to make happen. Failure to comply with the dreaded fatwa? See: “beheadings and suicide bombings.”
Have a joyous New Year, Islam!
Damn – Lord Obama thinks HE has executive-order power!